There are three kinds of people in the world, conflict creators, conflict avoiders, and conflict resolvers.

Conflict creators are often angry people who tend to be unapproachable. My dad was a conflict creator; a verbally abusive person; what some would call a rageaholic. I have plenty of flaws; but thankfully, I didn’t inherit this one. I admit I like to create controversy, but I don’t see that as being the same thing. I like to make people think, ruffle their feathers a bit, but I don’t like to create tension in my personal relationships.

Conflict avoiders drive me batty. I’ve been involved with too many women who don’t want to talk about their feelings. If they’re upset, they just won’t talk about it; and I have to pull teeth to get them to do so. I’ve had women hang up on me and refuse to talk to me for several days. This is just way too high-maintenance for me. But in all fairness to them, these women were deeply wounded; so something that might not bother another person, would trigger something in them that would cause them to retreat into themselves and not express their feelings.

Both conflict avoiders and conflict creators are deeply wounded people; they deserve our compassion. I’m not sure which group I find more frustrating, the conflict creators or the conflict avoiders. I certainly don’t want to be around angry or abusive people, but the conflict avoiders also frustrate me because I want clear, direct communication, and I won’t settle for anything less.

As for me, I resolve to be a conflict resolver. If I ever get married, I must marry someone who is just as committed to conflict resolution. I want to sleep peacefully at night, and I won’t sleep peacefully with unresolved conflict on my mind and tension in my heart. I know it’s a cliche, but I refuse to go to bed angry. And for me, there’s only one way to resolve tension; and that’s to talk about it and work through it. It can’t just be swept under the rug. Some people will say to me, “you need to just let it go.” But I can’t let it go until I resolve it.

In order for two people to truly resolve conflict, they need to be willing to go the distance; something many people aren’t willing to do. That means talking about the issue until both people are satisfied; and if something remains unresolved for one person the next day, the other person must be willing to listen to their concerns. Both parties must be willing to tie up loose ends. I know that sounds like a lot of hard work, and it might be in the short term, but it makes it far less likely that the conflict will arise again in the future.

All you need is love, said the Beatles. But there’s something else that’s also needed; and Aretha said it best; r-e-s-p-e-c-t. A person can love you and not respect you. For me, all the care and concern in the world is no substitute for respect. Here are a couple of signs of disrespect. Excessive worry. It’s one thing to express a concern, but respect demands that you drop it once the concern has been aired; unless the other person gives you permission to express it again.

Another sign of disrespect is a patronizing attitude. Some people think they know what’s best for you; and they aren’t shy about saying so. Granted, there are times when we know what’s best for another person, but if the other person doesn’t want our unsolicited advice, we need to keep our mouths shut. See my article on when to give advice, on my coaching philosophy page.

Okay, now what does respect look like? Respect, for me, means that you honor a person’s right to make certain decisions, even if you don’t agree with those decisions.

And that reminds me of another point; people don’t change until they’re ready to do so; but that’s another topic entirely.